Testimonials

Kim Feller's speech from Noogie Night 2007

My name is Kim Feller. It is my pleasure to be here this evening to not only tell you my story but to also express my gratitude for organizations such as Gilda's Club. Before I begin, I would like to introduce you to the three most precious people in my life – my children. My son Ben, who is eleven years old. My daughter Alyssa, who is eight and my daughter Mikala, who will be three real soon. I probably wouldn't be able to present my story to you tonight if it weren't for my children. They have been my angels of hope, strength, love and happiness throughout these past few years. They have been my inspiration to move forward and to live for the moment. I love them dearly and am truly blessed to have them in my life.

I would like to begin my story by first telling you a little about the relationship I shared with my husband, Mike. We first met in high school when we were riding a school bus to our baseball and softball games. I don't remember where we were playing that afternoon, but I vividly remember seeing Mike on the bus. He was so cute, with big brown eyes and a smile that didn't stop. I could see he had many friends because all the guys on his baseball team were focused on him. He was laughing and talking the entire bus ride. I could tell immediately that he was a good guy, and I instantly fell in love.

Mike and I soon became high school sweethearts. I was a year older than him and graduated from Verona High School in 1984. He graduated in 1985. We both attended the University of Wisconsin-Madison and dated throughout our college years. We were married in 1990 and moved out of state to pursue our careers. A few short years later, we had our first child, Ben. Alyssa was born two-and-a-half years later. Mike and I were so deeply in love, and we truly enjoyed being parents. So, we decided to have another child. In the fall of 2003, I became pregnant with Mikala.

At that time, we were living in Berkley, Michigan, and our life together was perfect. We lived in a beautiful home on a boulevard street within walking distance from the neighborhood school. The children were involved with their friends, sports and piano. Mike had a successful career at Ford Motor Company, and I was enjoying my career as a first grade teacher. We had great neighbors and friends. Ours was a fairytale life, and we were extremely happy.

Then, our lives took a dramatic turn when I was two months pregnant with Mikala. Mike started having some pain in his leg, and his ankle would swell for no apparent reason. He thought maybe he had pulled a muscle doing yard work, but this pain was so great he could hardly walk. Of course, we went to see our family physician only to discover that Mike had a DVT in his leg. A Deep Vein Thrombosis. In other words, a blood clot. The doctor prescribed blood thinning medication in hopes that the blood clot would eventually dissipate. Two months later, the DVT was still present and even more clots were forming. Although Mike was prescribed a powerful pain medication, he was still limited to lying on the couch for most of the day.

Over the next couple months Mike was in and out of the hospital having MRIs, EKGs, CAT scans, biopsies and INR tests. He met with a Hematologist weekly to monitor his blood. We feared more blood clots but we also feared hemorrhaging. It was a stressful and overwhelming time for us. Not knowing what was happening to Mike was nearly unbearable. We had so many questions and so few answers. Mike and I researched the internet and networked with as many friends and physicians that we knew. We needed to know what was happening, what it meant for Mike and what it meant for our family.

Two days after Christmas of that year, we received the devastating news that changed the course of our lives. At the age of thirty-seven, Mike was diagnosed with Colangial Carcinoma – a rare bile duct disease. Colangial Carcinoma is a disease that, unfortunately, has taken the lives of many, including – most notably – Walter Payton. There is no known cure.

In the months that followed, we researched the disease and sought out second and third opinions. We always had hope that Mike would prove the doctors wrong. He would fight to survive and conquer this disease. After all, we were young, with two beautiful children and another on the way. We stayed positive and focused on the time we had with each other. Most of all, we never gave up hope.

In March, we took the children to Disney World. Mike and I took turns riding the motorized wheelchair. I was eight months pregnant and couldn't keep up without wheels. And though we didn’t know it at the time, Mike had developed a blood clot in his lung that made it difficult for him to breathe. So he needed to ride in the chair as well. Ben and Alyssa didn’t see the pain and discomfort their dad had at Disney World. He hid it well so his children wouldn’t worry. Mike's biggest hope was to create fun memories during what was probably our last vacation together.

Shortly after our Disney World trip, I gave birth prematurely to Mikala. It was an extremely emotional time for me and Mike. Because of his failing health, he wasn’t able to attend the birth, and we were both heartbroken. Fortunately Mikala was healthy and well-developed, so we were back home with Mike, Ben and Alyssa within a day.

As the days and weeks passed, Mike and I made plans for the near future. We talked about moving back to Wisconsin where both of our families lived. We talked about finances. We talked about the possibility that Mike would not live to see the next Christmas. And, we talked about how we would tell the children about Daddy's condition. In my journal, I wrote about the day we told Ben and Alyssa. It reads:

Today was a difficult day. Around 11:00 a.m. we sat down with Ben and Alyssa in the family room and told them that we needed to tell them something important. I took one look at Mike, and I started to get tears in my eyes. Ben looked at me and said, "Mom, it looks like you are crying." I wiped my tears and didn't say anything. Then Ben and Alyssa looked at Mike and saw how sad he looked. Ben curled up on the couch next to Mike and said, "Oh, no. It must be something bad." Alyssa came to sit in my lap.

Mike began by saying, "You know how I have been getting blood clots?" Both kids nodded their heads yes. "Well, the doctors found out why I keep getting them." Ben and Alyssa simultaneously asked, "Why?" Then Ben asked, "Are they ever going to go away?" Mike looked at Ben as tears filled his eyes. I began to weep uncontrollably for a moment. Mike said, "Well, I have cancer, and that is what is causing all of these clots to happen."

Alyssa cried aloud and buried herself in my arms. She cried, "I don't want you to have cancer!!" "I don't want you to die!" Mike reached out to Alyssa and she ran to him and cried harder as he cradled her in his arms. Mike cried. Ben looked to the side as tears streamed down his face. He didn't say a word. I motioned for him to come to me. He came to sit on my lap. He stared out the window at the backyard. I kissed his cheek and asked him if there was anything he wanted to ask. He asked, "How did you get cancer?" Mike told Ben that the doctors don't really know. Then he proceeded to tell the kids that it's not something that they could get from Daddy and explained the word 'contagious' to them. Then he told them the specific name of his cancer. Cholangial Carcinoma. Ben wanted to know where it was in Daddy’s body. Mike explained the function of the liver and the bile ducts in very simple terms.

Alyssa asked Mike how she could help him. Mike said, "You can help me by loving me. By kissing me and hugging me. And by always telling Mommy and me what you are feeling. I don't ever want you to hold your feelings inside. If you feel like crying, cry. If you feel like being angry, be angry. If you have questions, ask them. Don't worry about upsetting us. The worst thing you can do is hold your feelings inside. We want to help you." Both kids hugged and kissed Mike.

Mike proceeded to tell the children about the Relay for Life that we will be attending next weekend in Wisconsin. He compared this fundraiser event to the one that they did at Christmas time at school for St. Jude's Children's Hospital. They understood what it meant to raise money for research. In fact, later in the day Ben asked, "Mom, do you still have the receipts for all of my toys?" I told him that I did not. He said, "Because I want to take back all of my toys so that I can get money for research." Later yet, he stated, "Mom, maybe I could be a doctor someday and help get rid of cancer." I told him that would be wonderful.

At dinnertime, we said grace and everyone included a little extra prayer. Ben prayed for God to watch over Daddy. Alyssa prayed that we have a good time in Wisconsin. Mike and I thanked God for our beautiful family and the time that we have with each other.

At this point in our lives, Mike and I knew it was time to find additional support for ourselves as well as our children. We needed a place that focused on cancer survival – not a place that succumbed to cancer. We visited the Metro Detroit Gilda's Club in Royal Oak, Michigan. It was only 10 minutes from our home and 20 minutes from the hospital. The minute we walked through the door, we felt welcome. We could smell the coffee brewing and the cookies baking. There were friendly faces ready to greet us. The volunteers were pleasant, and everyone treated us with respect – they weren’t too upbeat nor were they too sympathetic.

At our first visit, we sat for a long time and talked with a gentleman about how Gilda's Club could support us. We learned that Gilda's Club does more than just offer support. It is a place to talk with others who truly understand your sadness, fear, desperation and stress and who share your desire for continued hope. It is a place to network to find health professionals, therapists and counselors. It is a place to gather research or read about clinical trials. It is a place to talk with others and listen to the stories they have to tell. It is a place for children to play and interact with other children. It was a place for my children to share their story and feel some comfort knowing that they weren’t the only kids in the world whose parent was plagued with cancer.

Gilda's Club was an essential part of the journey we traveled when Mike was fighting cancer. Unfortunately we could not benefit from all that the club had to offer. Mike's health began to suffer rather quickly as the summer came to an end. We made some very quick decisions in a rather short period of time. We sold our home in Michigan and purchased a home in Fitchburg. We packed our household and prepared for a move back to Wisconsin. By mid-October, hospice care arrived at our home in Michigan. Mike was dying, but he fought to stay alive so he could be sure Ben, Alyssa, Mikala and I were settled in our new home and surrounded by family for support. In late October, thanks to an anonymous donor, we all flew via private jet to Wisconsin. Mike made that trip. But it was to be his last. He died in our new home just a few days later.

When cancer strikes, it attacks more than just the person whose body it invades. It eats at the spirit and core of the family as well. Organizations like Gilda’s Club give people like me and my children, the strength to move forward and move beyond the cancer that took Mike. I hope you will support the other families like mine, and give your support to building a Gilda’s Club right here in Madison.